My first, second and third

True love only exists as a one way street. It can only flow in one direction, from point A to point B. Is this an alright thing to do for a feeling? I think not. Maybe she does, but I will not fall into the endless pit of paranoia again, even though most people say I'm a masochist every time I do that. Strange feeling, this is. It's so natural and yet so alien for us humans. Nobody can fully understand it without experiencing it, and then it's a tad late. Once you fall into it you can never go back to be yourself again, you're changed/marked for life.

I've always wondered what is the exact connection between two completely opposed feelings (love/hate). Maybe there isn't any, maybe the little voices in my head are simply wrong. Still, every time you fall into this abyss you don't receive any instructions or even a F.A.Q. sheet with answers, which makes it very easy to start having a whole array of mixed emotions, each one morphing into the other. Until you get to the hate part. That emotion keeps returning and pounding your chest harder and harder everytime you have the slightest moment of doubt in your mind. Your mind I say? No, this has nothing to do with thinking; at least not in the genius/scientist sense.

My first was a long long time ago, and even though they say two of time's best qualities is that it heals and forgets, I still think about her from time to time. Rarely, but I still do. And no, I'm not filled with remorse or any other bad thought when I do this, I just remember the happy times. Both of our lives were carried on different roads that might never converge again. And I'm fine with that, no bad feelings whatsoever.

My second has recently returned, but only via electronic messages filled with disposable conversation and strewn with a bit of poking-around-the-old-days, which again left me with mixed emotions that also lead to hate, but this time it was directed at myself. I tormented myself for days and days and the question "why?" popped up in my head each and everytime. This doesn't exactly say a lot of good things about my mental health now, does it? She'll stay in the past anyway.

My third is most likely my final... because true love only exists as a one way street.